Before I became a father, I didn’t know

1. That I’d stop measuring a guy by whether I could kick his ass.
2. That I’d start measuring a guy by whether he’s a better dad than me.
3. That one day I’d wish for an auxiliary faucet that dispensed ketchup.
4. That next to the ketchup faucet I’d wish for a ranch dressing faucet.
5. That each and every day with my kids would be a continuous loop of America’s Funniest Home Videos hits-to-the-junk. I think I need to buy a cup.
6. That when I was a kid and my parents told me through gritted teeth that they could just strangle me, I should have been more worried.
7. That I’d change how I live and act because I want my kids to be proud to have me as their dad.