Or maybe it’s coming into the station. Truthfully, it’s lazy ass has been parked on the tracks for a few months and has done little more than fart some stale steam and put it’s steel piston arm in it’s unbuttoned pants like it just finished Thanksgiving dinner.

Amanda thought I should post about the weight loss thing. Accountability, inspiration for others, yadda-yadda. When I last blogged about losing weight it was to say that I wasn’t blogging about weight anymore (because I happened to find another guy blogging about losing weight and he sounded very much like the soft weiners he was probably gulping down whole). Well, like everything else on this blog, I’m going back on my word. I’ve tacked back on some poundage and I need to halt this trend.

I still do not want this to be a teary-eyed Biggest Loser-styled wimp fest. I just want to have some way of pinning my ass down to the commitment I’m making to this. If I’m gonna be posting shirtless photos of myself here (way not as cool as it may sound - oh, it doesn’t sound cool? Whatever), damn straight I’m going to be thinking about those photos when it’s 9:30 at night and I’m looking longingly at a box of strawberry Mini-Wheats. But the updates won’t appear as blog posts - they’ll appear in a new dedicated page (similar to “About”, “Worms!” and the yet to be released “100 Things,” a page which will include the words ‘cocaine’ and ‘marijuana’, both used in a manner that will in all likelihood cause my mother to faint, then sob). Updates will be tacked onto the end of the page as they happen. My hope is that’ll force the accountability angle without making the blog a gooey, caloric progress report.

Right now I’m trying to decide between calling the page “The Stallion” and “XL Cheesecake.”

For now the posts on my fatness and losing weight will be on sabbatical.  Not that I’ve stopped working out -  I just happened to catch a guy’s blog discussing his own journey of weight loss.  It read like a story about butt hair.   So for the time being I’m going to keep my blubber blogging to myself.

Here’s what I’m working with to try to trim the fat:

A decade old, cheap multi-station gym by Weider. Good for a few weight bearing exercises when you don’t have a spotter to help out, but over the years I’ve owned it I’ve found that many of the exercises really put your limbs at funny angles and put stress on joints. So I only use it for about 4 exercises.

A recumbent bike Diane got me for Christmas several years ago. It was a display model - she’s such a bargain hunter!

A new treadmill.  The old one sounded like an air compressor and had a 13″ wide belt - I nearly lost my front teeth several times after stepping 3/4″ beyond the safety margin for the belt.

A heavy (punching) bag. I still need to mount it to that big hunk of wood in the right hand corner. 2 minutes punching that thing and I’m all rubbery.

Not pictured: A Nordic Track, a $50 weight bench and the TV/VCR/DVD thingamabob. Using the Nordic Track hurts my back after awhile, so I don’t use it much.

This ‘room’ is in the basement and I hate feeling like I’m in the dungeon, being punished for my caloric sins, so we had a family paint fest on the back wall. It really cheers the place up and reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing.

I took my first “before” pictures today to share with the world.

I am disgusted.

Why am I sharing these horrible pictures with people I don’t know? Good question. I don’t even like taking my shirt off in the pool. I guess it’s like quitting smoking, except you’re telling everyone you’re quitting being fat, so they can call you to the carpet when you’re stuffing 4 gas station donuts down your lettuce hole. Or 143 M&M’s.

I ask of you - keep me straight.

Also not to be underestimated is the raw distaste I have looking for at these pictures. I hope the pain involved in posting these will be so great that I’ll do everything I can to shrink in the right places.

Fair or unfair, I feel like I need to compare my current self against the me of 2 decades ago, because that guy didn’t mind taking his shirt off. So you have it for reference, and to offer as proof that there’s a thin person in there somewhere, I offer up a picture of me back then. Kinda scrawny, but a pretty good self-image. And about the same amount of chest hair. Having a twin turbo metabolism didn’t hurt, either.

My stats as of today are:

Weight: 226
Chest Circumference: 44 1/2″
Stomach Circumference (at widest point): 43″

I’m 6′2″ and run about 225#. I’m pretty big.

Too big, really. I can still untuck my shirt just enough to fool you from the front, but if you look from the side, there’s no denying it. I need to be smaller.

I’ve gained a sense of urgency since DJ was born, that if I don’t make myself smaller the odds increase that my kids will be pissing away my life insurance money at a young age. I want to be able to dangle that carrot in front of them until they’re both at least 40.

I’m going to try to get smaller, and if you aren’t repulsed by it I want to take you along for the ride, to chide me, encourage me, berate me, whatever. Unfortunately, I was one of those kids in school that made fun of the fat guy, so my now being the fat guy seems like karma.

So your calling me ‘fatso’ is not only appropriate given my past behavior, it may help to motivate me.

I’ll try to update my progress weekly and intersperse that with diet changes, workout regimens and the other stuff I might be doing to get small. Oh, and to keep me honest, there will be pictures. Horrible, horrible pictures.

If any of this gives someone else a little help and keeps them pestering their kids for another birthday, I’d love it.