Before I became a father, I didn’t know

1. That I’d stop measuring a guy by whether I could kick his ass.
2. That I’d start measuring a guy by whether he’s a better dad than me.
3. That one day I’d wish for an auxiliary faucet that dispensed ketchup.
4. That next to the ketchup faucet I’d wish for a ranch dressing faucet.
5. That each and every day with my kids would be a continuous loop of America’s Funniest Home Videos hits-to-the-junk. I think I need to buy a cup.
6. That when I was a kid and my parents told me through gritted teeth that they could just strangle me, I should have been more worried.
7. That I’d change how I live and act because I want my kids to be proud to have me as their dad.

Before I became a father, I didn’t know that one day I’d say:

1. Please don’t lick your tattoos.
2. Put down the bird poop.
3. Yes, I have hair down there like Mom does.
4. No, I won’t show it to you.
5. Tulips are not for eating.
6. I don’t care if you do have an eyeball store, stop poking your brother in the eye.
7. Keep your hands out of your butt.

Before I became a father, I didn’t know:

1. Racing on foot (while whooping) at breakneck speeds across an elegantly appointed, spacious lobby of a four star hotel, then turning and racing back to where we started could be one of the most fun parts of a family trip.
2. The excitement inherent in the brains of small children when on a family trip to new and exciting places means mom and dad probably won’t be getting any sleep on said trip.
3. Playing peek-a-boo and squealing when found is hilarious when you’re 11 months old. Especially at midnight.
4. Being an unwilling contestant in a game of peek-a-boo with an eleven month old at midnight makes me hum the dandelion song a little.  (”Momma had a baby….”)
5. Checking to see if we can get a good rate on a room with a divider for our next trip is a good idea.
6. For children under four, the ancillary parts of a family trip are the most important parts of the trip.
7. Unfamiliar parents of other small children are some of the nicest, most helpful people in the world.
8. It’s fun to eavesdrop on other families with small children. Especially at meal time.
9. A dolphin show that doesn’t include dolphins dancing while wearing top hats and swinging walking sticks isn’t really a show. I thought jumping out of the water was enough. I was wrong.
10. Car trips that include zero fuel/food stops and peeing in a bottle to save time will never happen again for me.
11. Car trips that include stopping twice at the same rest area (without ever leaving the parking lot in between stops) for bathroom breaks may happen often for me.
12. Car trips take twice as long as they used to.
13. 8 consecutive hours of Strawberry Shortcake music can cause insanity.

Before I became a father, I didn’t know:

1. Having kids was the one way I could get my wife to let her hair grow longer. I like it long, she likes it short, but she never feels like she has enough time to get it cut now. I win.
2. Having one baby would make me want to have two.
3. Having two babies would make me want to have three.
4. We shouldn’t have waited so long to have our first baby.
5. A coffee mug with pictures could become my most prized possession on the planet.

Before I became a father, I didn’t know:

1. The dinner table could be used for something other than a mail receptacle.
2. All the best tasting foods on my plate were no longer mine alone.
3. It’s possible to function on three hours of sleep a night.
4. It’s required to function on three hours of sleep a night.
5. You really don’t know where you’re driving when you’ve had three hours of sleep.
6. Deciding how much credit Santa gets for Christmas presents would be so difficult.
7. I’d be able to recapture my prankster big brother years. Pull my finger.