I’m filching a filcher. It appears Esquire magazine, Suburban Kamikaze and Simply Nutmeg all have some things they want to teach the male of our species, describing 10 things we don’t know about women. While that may be true, I think there may be a few things women don’t know about men. Lemme explain.

1. We don’t understand why we need to ask several hundred times if something is wrong. Is it really that hard to answer the first time? Is it that you want us to prove that we love you and are truly interested before you answer? Can we instead prove it by sticking a flaming needle into one of our butt cheeks instead of having to ask the same question a bajillion times? It’ll get the issue resolved quicker and for us, it’ll be less painful, too.
2. Every man, no matter how strong, stoic, successful, self-sufficient or self-confident, has the desire to be taken care of on some level. Would it kill you to tell us we’re brilliant every once in awhile? Would it kill you to wear just one of the many pairs of novelty panties we’ve bought you once in awhile? We promise you won’t have to wear them for long.
3. If we’d known the thing that happened 7 months ago was going to come up in a fight today, we’d have been taking notes back then. ‘Cause that thing you never forget? We forgot it a few minutes after it happened, and bringing it up now is like a verbal sucker punch. We have no chance against it. (Maybe you could have told us when we asked seven months ago if something was wrong?)
4. (for moms) We don’t give you enough credit for what you do with the kids. We know that. We won’t tell you this, but even though we love our kids with all our hearts, 90 minutes alone with them and we’re looking for the door. Leaving us with the kids more often will only help remind us of the great things you do.
5. We know the “cleaning the house is an aphrodesiac” claim is a scam. But we’ll still fall for it if it’s been long enough.
6. We always picture you naked. With the lemon-yellow rays of an early morning sun striking your beautiful, mussed morning hair, we’re picturing you naked. Reaching up to grab a fruit cup from the top shelf for snack time, your sweater stretching, baring just an inch of your midriff, we’re picturing you naked. Seeing your hair swept in waves and eddies down the nape of your neck, we’re picturing you naked. In the shower? We’re totally peeking over the curtain at you naked. We’re. Always. Thinking. About. You. Naked. But you already knew that one.
7. The amount of effort we’ll put into wooing you into a night of intimacy declines in proportion to our increase in age. With kids and jobs and dolls and poop and dogs and noise and endless dishes, as time goes by we know that the odds of our success go from that of a $2 scratch-off when we were kids, to winning Powerball now. We’re just playin’ the odds.
8. We don’t like needing a variable decision tree when faced with telling you whether an outfit makes you look fat, so we’re always going to say that it doesn’t.
9. Our desire for you is not tied to your weight. It’s what you do with what you have and how you make us feel that gets our eyes popping, tongue unfurling and foot stomping the ground like it’s trying to scratch an itch.
10. You hate it when we picture you naked. You’ll hate it worse if we stop.

11. Men are smarter in many ways.  Proof?  We’re smart enough not to claim to be smarter at everything, and smart enough to keep quiet about it.