I’m a bit of a freak when it comes to telecommunication in the 21st century. I have a cell phone, but it’s almost never on my person. And the only time it’s on is when I’m actively making a call; otherwise it’s off. How do you reach me during the day when I’m on a job site working, you might ask? By the antiquated device known by drug dealers in the eighties as a pager. This is not blackberry enabled or blueteeth wizzamacallit, it’s a black matchbox that beeps. Or buzzes. And if you want to send me a text note, you have to figure out how to do it using the numbers on your phone, like you did on your calculator when you were 15. 80085, for example. Or if you don’t know me that well (or don’t have any 80085), then maybe 07734.

My problem is I have this fear of microwaves. Not the kind that pop your popcorn or dry your cat; the kind that go to and from cellphones. They’re really, really small. And back in the early 90’s when the first cellphone brain cancer scare happened, the foremost authority on all things physics and science pulled out his calculator and typed 80085. and using the data from a news report about the issue, crunched some numbers. My dad (said expert) then proclaimed “Yup. The size of the waves emitted from the antenna are small enough to fit between human tissue cells and start wiggling things around and cause some damage.” The researcher for one of the biggest cellphone makers on the planet agreed. Especially when that researcher showed the folks at 20/20 the X-rays of the antenna-shaped tumor in his brain.

Since then I’ve done all I can to keep that antenna away from me. And that fear extends beyond cell phones. We no longer use a wireless router when viewing pr0n the internet, because hello? Brain cancer? Baby monitor transmitter placement has always had to meet my prior approval because hello? Baby brain cancer?

Recently even Larry King had one of the foremost (real) experts on the issue discuss his concerns as it pertained to a well-known patient of his who died of brain cancer, OJ lawyer Johnnie Cochran.

But the thing that drove it home for me that the chance to get cancer from using a cell phone was legit? A competitor of mine always used his cellphone. Kept it in the same back pocket all the time. It was always on. After several years of use, one day he found a lump on his ass. On the same cheek and in the same spot that cellphone rode in his pants. Before this moment, had you ever heard of ass cheek cancer? Well now you have.

Dude survived, but barely.

Can you do me a favor? Watch those videos? Get a hands free (not the friggin’ bluetooth, btw) thingie? And don’t leave a powered-on phone in a pocket near your 80085? Or your ass?

Thanks.