I don’t think this is part of the text “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” but it oughta be.

My father and I rarely discuss anything where we have opposing points of view. It didn’t used to be that way, but over time I realized that for any given topic, my father has done some research and come to the right conclusion. Every other conclusion, by definition, is not right. So instead of having discussions that revolved around explaining perceptions, dissecting facts and coming to understandings, they were more discussions about why my thinking was flawed.

You’re probably thinking “What a jerk.” Not at all. He’s a great guy. Brilliant mechanical, logical mind and a big heart. But discussions on divisive topics are out of the question for us because our approaches are too different.

I see a lot of Obama supporters taking the path of my father. Those supporters have come to their conclusion and will reverse-engineer every sound bite for both sides to meet their desired end. While that appears short sighted to me and often suspends logic in favor of fanaticism, it’s also not helping the cause they support.

If I call you stupid, what’s your response going to be? “Damn, Jack. You’re right. I AM stupid. Thanks for pointing that out.” Probably not. I might get the bird back from you. Or a “motherfucker”. But I doubt you’ll acquiesce. Yet that’s what some expect of the people they’re trying to influence.

And here’s the thing - eight years ago I loved John McCain. (Loved Colin Powell too, but that’s another story.) But some of the things he’s saying and doing now, now that he has the nomination as the Republican candidate for President, are eroding my support. Things are in the crapper hard and I won’t buy a blanket “we’re gonna fix it,” no matter who those words come from. I want a fucking action plan, and it better make sense.

But I don’t want to throw in with crazy, either. I read somewhere about how Sarah Palin had a tanning booth installed in the Alaska governor’s mansion when she was elected, and how she now “can’t find the receipt” when asked about it, and how that implied her propensity for cover ups, but also spoke to her stupidity, doing something that causes cancer. Well guess what? Obama smokes. And I bet he doesn’t have all his Marlboro receipts, either. And he probably smokes while performing his duties. GWI. Governing While Inhaling. Does that make Obama a moron? If you use the previous example as our strip of litmus, then you have to.

Seeing one side of a small story and blowing it up like a stewardess on an inflatable auto-pilot is just crazy. And not very responsible.

I took a shit behind a big lilac bush in an empty lot next to a jobsite today. (Srsly, I did.) If a reporter had caught me in the act and wrote about it, how would I appear in the papers? The Pooping Perv? A Symbol Of What’s Wrong With People Today? All I was was a dude who had to go and wasn’t going to make it to the nearest restroom, but I’d bet that’s not how the story would play out in the media. (Thank God I collect fast food napkins in the glove box, btw.)

Is Palin’s tanning bed really important? Really relevant? Eccentric, sure. But looking on eBay, you can get a tanning bed for less than $2K*, and installing it should simply be a matter of locating it and plugging it in, right? A pack a day smoking habit would cost almost as much ($1825 at $5 a pack). I want a Funhouse pinball machine in my home. They can run as much as $5k. What does that make me?

If you want to influence those of us who might be on the fence, stay away from the unimportant and salacious; focus on what your candidate can do, not what you think the other can’t. That’s what’ll win my vote.

Then again, maybe you really aren’t trying to influence. You’re just freaked the fuck out about everything that doesn’t come from your side and you can’t help but spit venom about it. But if THAT’S the case, them my advice would be to shut the eff up until the election is over. You aren’t helping your team.

Until election day, I’m just going to keep trying to live Rodney King’s dream. Can’t we just all get along?

*The oft-reported quote from an Alaskan tanning bed dealer is that tanning beds CAN cost UP TO $35,000. Well, shit. I own a car. Cars CAN cost UP TO $1.2 Million. I guess that means MY car cost $1.2 Million. I sure could use a million. Think I’ll sell.

P.S. WRH, I’m not talking about you. Nutmeg? You either. Nat? Same. But I think the influencing people stuff still applies, no matter which side you’re for. Bees with honey and all that. Slather me in honey and I might just buzz your ballot. Er, whatever. You get the idea.